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If your Thanksgiving celebration devolved into political arguments that have you questioning whether you want to attend holiday gatherings this season (or ever), let’s talk. There’s no need to miss out on theme cocktails, homemade cookies, or family recipes. We can salvage family and friend get-togethers and don’t have to swear off political conversations.
Here are three suggestions for how to talk about politics and policy instead of arguing about them.
First, try talking about policy instead of politicians. Eleanor Roosevelt famously said that small minds talk about people, and great ones talk about ideas. For our purposes, that means that talking about what politicians do and say is really just small-minded gossip about other people. It’s easy to get outraged about people doing things that strike us as morally wrong. But outrage isn’t helpful or fun. It’s also corrosive when directed at the people in our lives.
So instead, talk about what they need in their lives right now. What is their biggest struggle and how does public policy make that struggle better or worse. Talk about what kind of solutions exist, and creative ways to address the issue. Consider what kinds of tradeoffs might be involved and how those tradeoffs impact other considerations.
For example, young parents might be struggling with childcare costs and availability. Small business owners may be on the hook for expensive licensing. Other people might be worried about changing jobs due to health care coverage. Talk about the policies that impact these issues and not what politicians are doing and saying about them.
Second, here’s an exercise you can try. Make sure the person you’re talking to is open to having an exchange of ideas first. Find an issue on which you disagree and then try to explain why they believe what they believe.
For example, if you’re for strong gun control laws and the other person is not, you might say “I think the reason you oppose these policies is because the gun owners you know are responsible people and committed to gun safety.” The other person might confirm your statement, or they might say, “Actually, it’s because my dad taught me to shoot by taking me hunting as a kid and I think this is an important and good part of American culture.” Let them take a stab at explaining why they think you believe what you believe and correct as needed. Look for common ground between your beliefs.
This approach is highlighted in the movie Undivide Us, which shows groups of Americans across U.S. cities discussing divisive political issues. They engage in respectful and constructive conversations. No one changed their minds. Some of the people even became friends. The technique used in the movie is based on research. Amazingly, when we mentally put ourselves in other people’s shoes by trying to think like they think, we actually see ourselves as more similar to them. And that’s important for democracy and important for friend and family relationships.
Finally, let go of the hope that you can change anyone’s mind. People believe the things they believe for complex, interwoven reasons that are unlikely to shift based on a conversation. No matter how perfect your talking points are and how unimpeachable your evidence is. You’ll be a lot more relaxed about talking to other people about policy or politics if you don’t need to accomplish anything in your conversation.
Let yourselves explore. If someone is coming at you with an argument meant to change your mind, you can gently stop them and ask if you can learn about each other’s opinions with an agreement to not try to change each other. You’re less likely to get angry at each other, and more likely to protect (or even improve) your relationship.
Conclusion
We’ve reached a place in American political life where people want to make sure you agree with them before they talk about certain ideas. How did we get so intolerant of difference? This is a large and diverse country with people of varying religions, races, and cultural practices. These differences make us stronger—a monoculture in which everyone agrees wouldn’t be interesting and wouldn’t help us solve our problems with different ways of thinking and living.
Don’t give up on talking about policy. And don’t give up on the holidays either.
